Really Bad Blogs

Oh wow, this one's bad

2007-05-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

We have for your dining pleasure today Skinny Celeb News, of which the latest entry is pictures of Mischa Barton eating and the caption, "I have no idea what she's eating, but it looks delicious!"

Astute. That is just what I've been burning to see, pictures of formerly famous former TV stars masticating.

And the one commenter was not brave enough to leave his or her name, but I wonder where they fall on the Karen Carpenter Continuum: "Sorry, but eating is not something she should be doing right now. Seen those hips and thighs lately?"

No, sir or ma'am, people who have ballooned to a size 2 should not be eating, but rather should take their nourishment from the sun like plants. What a pig that Mischa Barton is.

The previous entry includes pictures of Mary Kate and Ashley and the insightful caption, "While Ashley Olsen looks quite healthy, Mary-Kate is still very skinny (just look at her chest!)... but she looks the best she did in a very long time!"

Note the random use of bold print, this is surely a sign that certain words are of weighty importance.

I can't tell what the purpose of this blog is at all, whether the writer is for or against being skinny and I'm not sure she knows, but I can tell you I had insomnia before I started reading it and I soon will be asleep.

Finally this entry on J.Lo Hewitt: "Has Jennifer Love Hewitt lost weight? I think the answer is obvious - yes, she did. Just compare these recent pictures taken on May 6 at the "Women in Rock" rehearsal with the pictures of her at the Golden Globes back in January, and you can't not see the difference!"

Why is JLH at the Women in Rock rehearsal? Is she a stand-in for an actual musician? And would it kill the blogger to elaborate on their comments about her weight as to an opinion thereof?

I think I'll start a blog about celebrities with brown hair and write entries like, "Here is Sandra Bullock. I think her hair is browner today than it was last week." Then I will update five times a day.

Such a bad blog

2007-05-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

And so few entries! It's like that joke Woody tells at the beginning of Annie Hall.

A girl named Mrs So and So starts her first entry writing to a dead girl whose funeral she missed because she didn't know she died. Hello, she's dead and therefore probably not reading your blog. (And if dead people read blogs I'm sure my ancestors are spinning in their graves when they read my MySpace blog. Maybe that's who was tapping on the roof just now.) Anyway, back to Mrs So and So: didn't you hate it when someone in high school died and all the girls who were calling her a bitch last week are crying uncontrollably and checking out early this week. Me too, and that's how this RIP entry strikes me. If ya were friends you'd have known about the damn funeral.

The next entry is all about the tattoo her mother is picking out for her. Um, what? My mother is policing me every minute we're together to make sure none of mine show from under my shirt, and I'm thirty something. If you ever wondered why the evening news gets more and more bleak it is because of this girl's mother. Then she ends the entry by telling us she has to "go poopy" and describes all about how when you have to go you start farting. Really? Tell us of this "poopy," for you are surely the first to know and the first to go. Things that don't belong in your blog part one: going "poopy."

Then there's this gem of an entry:
When will you PEOPLE understand i dont care what you say.
and thanks to the people that have my back in this whoel mess... they know who they are...
but to the others....
fuck you and your life.. i hope it's amazing so stay outta mine!!!..cuz well mine is espically with out you people in it...
Have GREAT LIVES>..

IVE sed my peace!

You obviously do care what they say since you went to the trouble of colored letters. Also, there's this new thing out called a dictionary. Yes, I'm sure you know all about "dicts" and "shun ary" is what you did to your fifth grade best friend after you grew boobs, but seriously, people like you should have their own internet. Web "Duh point 0." And how dare you leave out the details of whatever is going on for those of us who were not at the strip club that night? Open letters consisting of vague references stoke the fires of my wrath, Mrs So and So.

And then we come to today's entry, another RIP for a dead guy this time. Oh, I don't get enough attention so I'm gonna talk to dead people on the internet. We were such good friends somebody buy me a drink.

You are a waste of the energy it took to run your computer, Mrs So and So, and as such I'm sending you a bill for my gas money for the month.

Joseph the Dog Faced Boy

2007-05-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

I consulted my closest advisors and we decided to make some rules regarding how we play the Really Bad Blog game. If a blogger clearly seeks to make money off their blog as evidenced by the ads pasted all over it, we will post a link to their blog so at least they will get paid for the RBB treatment.

If a blogger blogs for personal satisfaction, we will not be posting a link. Such is the case with our new friend Joseph. Subtle Joseph. You look like a "before" picture of Jared the Subway guy. The quote on your main page on the huge social networking site reads, "Why do nice guys always finish last? Are there no women out there that want a nice guy?"
Ew. Insulting the motivations of every woman in the world is surely the first step to finding the woman of your dreams.

This self proclaimed nice guy shown next to the sign in the above pic, who is obviously looking for love, then proceeds to make his very first blog entry ever tell the tale of his ex wife and her new boyfriend. The tale is complete with links to their pages on the same huge social networking site. Clicking the new boyfriend's link goes to a profile now set to private; the ex wife's profile has been deleted. As with most losers, nothing is ever Joseph's fault. Read on:

Hello everyone,

This is my first blog. Lets see how I do. First of all I'd like to say thanks to all of you my TRUE FRIENDS. You mean the world to me. For those of you who don't know, I used to be married to this woman at this link on xxxxxxxx

She was the best thing that happened to me in the 90's when I met her. We had 2 handsome boys and lived a decent life for a grand total of 13years and married for 10+. Then she decided one day that she didn't love me anymore, all this unknown to me at the time, but she cheated on me with a neighbor who was getting a divorce and had 3 kids to top it off and subsequently filed for divorce after months of playing w/my emotions. She wasn't woman enough to divorce me and then go on w/her life, she took it upon herself and decided to keep me around to pay for everything she needed and wanted before I got the Surprise, "you're a dumb ass and get out of the house notice" from the sheriff's office. Well her first affair didn't last long as what goes around comes around. While we were married she always called this guy a loser and somehow his dick accidentally slipped into her one fine day and thus she fell in love w/the LOSER. I guess love is blind, and stupid for that matter, she lost the man that would have died for her and taken care of her until the end of time as well as changed my life and that of our childrens [sic] in the months that followed the separation and even till this day. I tried to work things out for the sake of our children and because I trully believed our marriage was worth saving, in the end she won and I had to let her go as they say. I did however warn her about her (love of her life) and told her all he wanted was a piece of ass and as suspected "I told her so." Well she's at it again picking winners w/kids. Lets see how long this lasts and what kind of damage this does to our children. Last time I spent a week in jail for her nonsense when my children called me crying to tell me what was going on and she lied and told police that I had weapons and was going to kill her. Lord knows I really enjoyed a whole week in jail and the wonderful 2 years of probation that I am now serving. The justice system gotta love it. Note to all future divorcees, never say a damn thing to your soon to be ex, it can and will be used against you in a court of law even if you didn't say it or do anything to them. Just the mere mention of threatening words can land you in a whole heap of trouble. Keep quiet and vent on paper or to a friend much safer that way. So now the latest is that she has moved on in the quick span of a "whole" week (she must be dating in dog years) to yet another winner/loser of a redneck that is limited in his education and apparently she has fallen head over heals in love again.Well check him out at this link on xxxxxxx.com

Not that I'm tooting my own horn, but I think I am a much better man in all aspects. Certainly more educated and definately [sic] more handsome. You can all take a look and decide for yourself, as well as those of you who have gotten to know me and are now good friends with me.

Anyways just figured I would share my rant for the day and will be back to keep you all informed of my life as it progresses.

We are sure of two things after reading that riveting entry, Joseph. You are ready to move on and find love again, and we can't wait for more details of your life as it progresses.

You are a nice guy, having made your ex wife and her new man guest stars on your blog after neglecting to have them sign a waiver. How dare she date someone with "childrens?" The dirty whore. You are "definately" the better man. Make sure you put your threats down on paper next time so she can have proof that you want to kill her. We also are quite sure that you had no idea your marriage was in trouble until the police removed you from the home. Yes, you are the nice guy our mothers wanted us all to find.

His blog continues for a few more awful entries, he gets laid off from his job through no fault of his own, can't see his kids on Easter, blah blah til we get to this entry 26 days after the first one:

Hello everyone,

I met Jennifer as a blind date and we have been out 3 times and have hit off so well were both flying 100% of the time. I think I'm in Love. I'm getting along better w/my ex-wife and her boyfriend. All in all life is being good to me.

Oh, I wonder who "everyone" is, Joseph. Probably your probation officer. So glad to see you are over your wife and are in love. Are you literally over her, having buried her under your house?

Then a whole ten days later:

Well I'm single again. My extremely short relationship only got my hopes up and broke my heart yet again. Why can't I find someone who just wants to be liked/loved and treated like they should be. I don't understand why people want to be treated like crap so they can like you. They are scared if a sensitive guy shows his feelings. Well I'll be around for a little while longer.

I'm sure when you punched her and then cried about it she was literally and figuratively floored by the strength of your sensitivity. I'm sure the woman with whom you fell in love all of 26 days after you got out of jail was as stable as you clearly are, but she wants to date men with jobs, the whore. Why doesn't someone want to be treated as well as you treated your ex? Why didn't you post Jennifer's profile page too?

There are no more entries, but I assure you we at RBB are going to subscribe. We can't wait til Joseph gets hit by a car through no fault of his own while walking in the middle of the road at midnight wearing all black. Maybe he'll get shot by some really unfair clerk while he's nicely trying to rob a gas station. I'm sure life will be good to this nice of a guy.

This story has a great punch line. The nice guy, who is looking for a woman who wants to be loved? His username on the huge social networking site is "hungry4sex."

P.S. I don't even want to know why your picture shows you standing in front of that sign which is obviously in a children's classroom of some sort. Or maybe your personal ad pic was taken by the social worker behind the two way mirror in the visitation room at the Department of Family and Children's Services during your supervised visit with your kids.

Joseph, you are a ham anus. This is the worst blog I've ever seen. I'm so glad Windows 95 was invented so people like you would be able to understand how to navigate the internet.

Garry Conn

2007-05-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Garry Conn dot com is number 38 on Technorati's top 100 blogs today. The first thing that I notice about Garry Conn's blog is that he is screaming at his readers. An average of three sentences per paragraph end in an exclamation point. This guy is the Tony Little of bloggers.

Next, I check out his sidebar. Of the 24 most recent comments made on all his blog entries, 12 of them are written by him. You don't brag about how many comments you're getting if you wrote half of them.

The first post on the page details a pyramid scheme he is unrolling. He wants to sell a $25,000 ad to go on a bunch of people's blogs and share the money. He wants to recruit bloggers to cold call and he wants a closer and an advertising coordinator and a new purse and a pony and some ice cream. Nowhere does he list the work he will be doing on this venture, because he isn't doing any.

He boasts 14,000 some odd visitors since April 1. Sunshine, I've had 9,000 on my freelance writing webpage since then and I consider that low. You have to have 1,000 hits per article/blog entry to make any money at all. Plus there is the fact that 7,000 of those visitors were him.

Finally, there is this post:

Let us have some fun! The people that follow my blog could easily believe that I am a way too serious and boring guy! That is not the case! I love to have fun! So, let’s all take a break and use this post here to have some fun.

I love YouTube and visit the site daily. You know when you go shopping you can buy orange juice from concentrate. Simply bring it home, open the can, dump the concentrate into a pitcher and add water. For me, YouTube is just that. It is a concentrated source of intelligence and creativity. What is more promising, most of the best videos done are by kids, teens and young inspiring adults! When I was a child, I played the Atari 2600. My computing experience started with a Commodore 64, then that quickly upgraded to an IBM 286, and so forth. The younger generation of today are totally gifted and creative. I can’t tell you how many times I have said, “Wow, I can’t believe someone created this and put it on YouTube!”

In this article, I want to have fun! I want everyone to comment back and embed their favorite YouTube video and add a brief sentence or two explaining why the video is one of your favorites!

By commenting on this post and including a personal Favorite YouTube video this will explain a lot about who you are as a person, what is important to you and what interests you!

Including a YouTube Videos here in the comments are very easy, all you have to do is include the URL to the video and I will go back and edit in the embed code for you!

Let’s have some fun and lets all share with each other some of our most favorite YouTube Videos of all time!

From "let us" have some fun to the end he says "have fun" five times. Please, Garry, let me have some fun. Nobody ever thought of discussing YouTube videos in a blog before.

Oh, and he's obviously trying to generate hits by mentioning YouTube 7 times. The word makes up 2.9% of the post, which is dangerously close to spamming levels. Nobody's thought of that either.

Let us see, he thinks YouTube is a concentrated source of intelligence. The site that boasts actors posing as emo teenagers, videos of people getting tased and/or falling off the roof while riding a skateboard and remixes of commercials set to a beat is concentrated something, but it's not intelligence. More like concentrated ball sweat.

Your favorite YouTube videos are the key to someone's personality? And your favorite Beatle and what animal you'd like to be and what you think of the color white...Garry, are you a middle school aged girl?

Oh, and his readers must be idiots too, because first he explains to them what concentrated orange juice is and then he offers to embed videos for them, because they surely don't know how to cut and paste.

"Including a YouTube Videos here in the comments are very easy.." All our videos are belong to you, Garry.

Again, this particular blog has 24 comments and 12 of them are by him. So not only are half of his last 24 comments overall by him, half of the comments on this entry alone are by him. Only 10 of the comments are videos and he posted five of those 10. This tells me that he is 38th out of the 100 top Technorati blogs because he created 150 Teachnorati accounts and voted for himself.

I almost hate to link to you, Garry, because it means more traffic for you, but just consider it a badge of honor to be posted here.

Celebrity Baby Blog

2007-05-09T22:23:00.000-07:00

As if the obsession with famous people wasn't annoying enough, now it has jumped the copulating blue whale with Celebrity Baby Blog. The blog features long-winded interviews with people who aren't exactly known for their way with words combined with a sense that celebrities are the only ones ever to push a watermelon out of their cranberries. Hello, we all got here the same messy way!

How 'bout some glorification of real moms who don't have live-in nannies? Women who are single and work two jobs to feed their kids? Women who go back to school, work and raise multiple brats? No, cause that wouldn't make you the star scromper of the week.

What's more, if mortals are concerned with pedophiles getting pics of their kids online you'd think people who are digitally abducted by paparazzi would want to shield their children.

Here's a dumb excerpt from this epic piece on some chick I've never heard of:
"In the morning, we wake up and brush our teeth all together (Lucca just sort of sucks on the baby tooth paste!) The boys get dressed, we scoff down a little something"

Really? You mock your food before going on about your no doubt fascinating day? No wonder celebrities are so skinny.

Oh, and check out this headline: "No [toy] guns for the Jolie-Pitt kids." You can predict the hate and rebellion fueled lasers that will shoot out of these kids' eyes when they watch Kalifornia in about 12 years.

Comments are moderated, so I must not be the only one with a hate on for this site.

Well, this waste of bandwidth has gotten enough of my precious ire, so I leave you to wait for the next Really Bad Blog.